i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
