my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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