There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
