Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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