And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
