I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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