I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just want nice things and good sex
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