People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
