i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
