I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
