after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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