My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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