I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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