I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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