I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
