Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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