This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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