If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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