I have demons in me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
