People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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