I hate your face
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
