Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
