Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
