apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
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