My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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