I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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