Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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