u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
