that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
