I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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