You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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