ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
