I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He passed out mid-signature
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
