he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
