oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
