I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
you never un-have a 4some
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
