I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize