I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
