my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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