My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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