____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize