The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
