I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
