Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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