He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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