There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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