You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize