SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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