if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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