she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
