I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
