Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
