My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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