All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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