1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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