Apparently you make a good broom.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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