Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
